So I've had a lot of thoughts bouncing around my brain the last few days.
Robin Williams' suicide, and how I very nearly succeeded at ending my life two years ago. There but for the grace of God and a couple good friends, go I. I'm beyond grateful to still be alive!
Finalizing the logistics for my trip to Washington and Oregon in 3 weeks.
The fact that I learned at a recent weight loss surgery support group that Kaiser Fremont is down to one psych professional for the evals and is currently booking appointments in October so I have to get down to 229 lbs (or below) ASAP so I can get scheduled for psych, and then scheduled for surgery.
Also at the WLS support group, there was a woman who was 5 days post op for the sleeve and drove herself to group. Amazing! I hope I can drive that soon if not sooner.
My relationship with food, and my compulsive eating of junk, trying to pass it off as "food funerals". I had a very good chat with Jessica Aycock today. And I came to realize the following: those "food funerals" of nearly nightly Taco Bell runs and McDonald's ice cream runs are more accurately called "compulsive eating". The kind of eating that got me to my highest weight. The kind of eating that sabotages all my weight loss efforts because a part of me wants to keep this armor of fat. The kind of eating that surgery will not permit. I have to build a new relationship with food for the rest of my life because I can no longer use food to "numb out" my feelings or use fat as a shield.
Here's Jessica's response: "You are so wise and you're ready for this - I know you are. You've been working for this for a long time and you KNOW what has to be done and you're taking steps to do them. It's not easy, but it's not impossible. Treat food as fuel and find something else (healhty & productive) to battle those feelings of inadequacy and fear. You are doing SO amazing! It's all just a matter of perception - and you're right in the middle of change!"
I know I can do this. I saw myself in the mirror today and my body just does not match or define who I am. It's not me. I may have needed (or thought I needed) to be "insulated" before...but I know my own strength now.
As Jess says, "treat food as fuel" not a way to escape. Oh, and I have to drink more water...I forgot water yesterday at my session with my trainer, and I didn't have anything for the ride to pick up Santa or at the dog park. By the time I got home, I was dehydrated and was getting a headache.
Oh, and not sure if I mentioned this...I talked with Jessica May before Sacred Web circle last Friday about her stomach amputation comment and how I perceived it as judgement of me/my decision. She says that she is part of the "size movement" and that's where she was coming from. Although she does not agree with my decision, she supports that it is MY decision, and when I brought it up in the sharing, she kind of tuned out...which is fine. I was able to share, but she didn't have to listen...all good.
Also, I talked with Bob last week and told him I'd have to "step away" from the poker group for awhile. One, it goes too late for me, but I didn't tell him that. I did tell him that it conflicted with Sacred Web right now, and I am drawn to the spiritual connection more than poker, and I am also having a hard time resisting the candy and desserts at poker, so I have to do step away from poker so that I can continue to lose weight AND for after surgery, when sweets will likely cause dumping.
So....lots of thoughts....I'm making decisions to meet my goals, and getting the support I need too.
No comments:
Post a Comment